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So.  A lot has been going on, most of it unpleasant, but not all.

(good) Old college friend came for a visit.  This was fun but (bad) would have been more fun two weeks earlier, when I still had energy.

(bad) my blood counts are in the toilet again.  Or some sort of whirlpool.  I guess a toilet is a whirlpool. (bad) I have "dangerously low sodium" which I didn't even know was possible, given everyone else's high-sodium issues.  I've been "prescribed" two cups of boullion a day.

(really bad)  Something has changed dramatically in the way my doctors think of me.  They used to be very up, emphasizing the many available drugs and hopeful that I still have some more years.  Now I'm getting questions like "Have you thought about hospice?"  I'm not sure how to take this.  In true oncologist fashion, they act as if they've the same thing all along, but they HAVEN'T.  I've been feeling stunned, and I don't know if they're thinking "Hmmm, maybe only has two more years," or "Hmmm, I give her two months max."  They never SAY this, of course, they always say they can't predict and you never know.  In the meantime I can't do anything but hope the new chemo is working, but we don't know yet -- and enjoy my boulllion.

(good) Our house is filled with an astonishing array of delicious chocolate, since everyone but the oncologist knows what a girl really wants for her birthday.

(good) I've dug out an old novel I wrote 150 pages of and then abandoned for ET.  Trying to rethink.  Plot needs help.  (bad) I don't think I'll be writing another new novel in my lifetime, so it seemed a good project. (bad) No word from any editors.

(bad) still draining a liter of fluid a day.  (bad) Aikido, oy.  Will I ever practice properly again?  My boys take care of me, they encourage me and are patient, but I feel like I'm dragging the down.

(ugly) On second thought, let's skip the bit about thee shredded skin on my right side, from bandages coming on and off.  (ugly) I need a haircut, but I've never cut my hair in its new curly, baby-thin form.  How do I shape it?  The Afro was easier to deal with.  Not that anyone cares.  But you'd be amazed to find how many people don't recognize me, with my skeletal face and my curly hair.

(good) Kitties.  Except for the claws.

(bad) Remember Dr. Gloom, my old oncologist?  He died a few weeks ago of his own cancer.  I am not gloating about this at all.  He was a very nice man and a good doctor, there was just something about my case that freaked him out.

(just plain odd) This week I had a mad, desperate craving for gummy bears, which I've even liked.  I ate a whole package at once.  Now I never want to see them again, ever.  Life is strange.

* by the way, don't get the wrong impression.  I am not in any pain.  I feel fine -- well, other than wanting to nap all day.  I mean, I'm fully capable of driving and shopping and cooking and doing laundry -- oh joy! And this is SO what I want to do with my life...I'm just more in a psychological space where I don't know quickly that all might turn around.  Argh, wait and see.


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 9th, 2012 01:20 pm (UTC)

I am glad to hear from you and glad to hear that your birthday involved massive amounts of chocolate and that your Aikido buddies are encouraging you to keep doing it and that you have cuddly kitties and that you are working on writing.

And as for everything else, I am glad you are keeping us updated, and I will keep praying/crossing my fingers/sending good vibes your way.

love you!

Feb. 9th, 2012 05:51 pm (UTC)
Love you back, Jade! I'm so grateful for friends like you.

Wildcat's English class is reading Romeo and Juliet, and I wish she could take it from you. (Wildcat says, "Yeah, the comments would be in all caps, like "NEED A COMMA HERE!") So far all the kids do is "translate" the Shakespeare into modern English, which is boring and stupid for an honors class. Wildcat says, "It's still written in English. You just have to listen to the words in your head and you know what it means." Was hoping for more literary analysis and less "oh you poor babies, you can't possibly understand this unless we make it painfully clear and you understand every line."
Feb. 13th, 2012 12:14 am (UTC)

(...so I told both WP and Quark about this, and their responses were, "Wait, your penchant for capslock is that famous?" Whereas my response was, "NO YOU GUYS I HAVE BEEN WRITING IN CAPSLOCK ALL OVER THESE PAPERS." ...h--how did she know.)

I say she should start a conversation about how Romeo is just dumb. Reason number a bazillion that I found recently: Romeo uses oxymorons to complain about how Rosaline doesn't like him, Juliet uses oxymorons to go OH GOD MY NEW HUSBAND JUST KILLED MY BELOVED COUSIN WHAT DO I DO. /sigh /Juliet probably should have just married Paris

Feb. 10th, 2012 03:12 am (UTC)

I'm hoping the gummy bears have some unknown ingredient that'll help get your counts headed back in the right directions.

So are you finding the old project at all inspring or at least distracting?
Feb. 10th, 2012 11:39 am (UTC)
Yay I'm so glad you got lots of chocolate for your birthday! Everything is better with chocolate. I haven't eaten any in a while because it makes me feel odd but hopefully that will pass soon.

I was talking to Penguin the other day about you and the kitties and how when I needed cheering up I would think of the days plotting ET over email and look at the adorable photo of Figgy and Teco on the chair. Awww! I am glad you have cute kitties and awesome Aikido people.

I'm so glad you're feeling better. What's the old novel about?

It's nice to hear from you. *glomps* Much love :-) and cookies :P
Feb. 10th, 2012 10:24 pm (UTC)
Wow, this post is powerful in so many ways. I can only hope "old" college friend is affectionate and not an actual comment on age (since I fall into that category myself). I know ... how can I make this all about me? Hard, in the face of your eloquent writing.

Health/quality of life issues ... uncertainty certainly contributes to general anxiety levels. I'm blown away by your ability to see and comment on the good stuff, as well as some of the bad. Your observations ring so incredibly true. Did you always have that ability?

Not sure what to do with gummy bears. They'll likely survive us all (consumed or sitting packaged on a shelf), which is scary all by itself.

More about the novel, please. Curious about subject, focus, point of view, oh yeah, and characters, plot and all the good stuff. I myself write any amount of meaningless marketing drivel on a daily basis ... which is to say, it's all completely forgettable by tomorrow. Lately I've been thinking I should start work on a more personal project, such as a novel or whatever it is I feel the overwhelming urge to write. For me, though, the process is much more private. I admire your ability to share the work you've been creating and to talk about the process. It's truly been a revelation and inspiration to me.

Know that I am thinking about and praying for you and your family.

PS The Shakespeare accessibility conversation was also priceless BTW ... if every lesson is pathetically easy, where's the value in seeking to understand something "other"? Oy, I totally don't get that.
Feb. 12th, 2012 03:59 pm (UTC)

Happy belated birthday from me, and I hope the chocolate was absolutely divine. Bouillon, pish. Chocolate's where it's at.

Keep us updated, please (most particularly on the novel)! All my love, for your belated birthday!

PS: Good luck with the haircut- it's never easy to find a new style. Grr.
Feb. 13th, 2012 06:08 am (UTC)
You know, I really think I understand what you mean about the kitties. Last night I spent a bit of time alone in my room noodling around with nothing in particular on the computer ... and then I let my cat in and played with her awhile. I normally appreciate my cats, but particularly at that moment I started thinking about how nice they are just to be around. :) eh, anyway.

Even though some of those things are ugly, I am also happy to hear from you. And I hope the novel thing goes well!

<3 <3 <3
Feb. 14th, 2012 02:50 am (UTC)
I've been so...absent, lately, that I missed your birthday (very bad, me). I'm glad to see a post from you, always, though I wish you were not so dragged down. I'm sorry also to hear of Dr Gloom.

I'm so impressed that you're still going to Aikido. Don't worry about holding anyone back, ppphhht. I wouldn't care, if I were in their situation, and I'm betting you wouldn't either, eh?

Kitties, yay! Always nice! Claws bad,(in Fox's case, teeth bad), but nothing else purrs, ya know? Except Tribbles, and they just get so out of control. And, oh, yeah, they're not really real.

Book thoughts are always a pleasure to hear about!
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )


Mordena Babich

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